Regrets

This has probably been on my mind more this summer than any other topic. I absolutely try to live a life without regret and then something slapped me in the face so strongly that I still fight tears every time I think about it.


I didn't take enough pictures of my life, more specifically, I didn't take enough pictures of my friends, and us, living our lives.


When we first moved to Newton, I immediately started going to the PTO and Band-Aides meetings at the elementary school. I met Glenna. She was president that year and was so excited I was there. There were several people at that first meeting as they were planning the spring carnival, I was really impressed that there were so many there. I had always been active in PTO at Olney and we struggled to have bodies, and minds, to get everything done. I thought, wow, this was great. It didn't last. In fact, the next year, we had one meeting that consisted of us being accidently locked out of the building; Steve had been refereeing and was going to be late. Glenna and I sat on one of the benches outside the school until Steve got there, it was a nice night, so we held our meeting right there. three of us.


Fast forward to high school, Robert's freshman year. My childhood church buddy, Amy moved home. Her son, Trygve, and Robert became fast friends. Amy joined our group as a regular band mom too. I had met Vaneta when we first moved to Newton, but she became more active in the Band Boosters that year, Glenna had known Vaneta for quite some time, as they went to church together. For the next four years, you could pretty well count almost any Saturday in September and October, there would be four spots on the bleachers taken up by the four of us, more often than not, in a little square, two in front and two in back. I was the one that had to go see the whole competition, so I very rarely chaperoned, but I saved the seats, so that we could all set together.


I realized a little too late, that we had all of these pictures of the band, from basically the same vantage point, but we had no pictures of us.


After Robert, Trygve, and Logan, Vaneta's son, all graduated, the four of us still managed to get together every few months and go have dinner. Glenna's daughter was older than the boys, but her son was younger, so she was still in the booster years, so she kept us up on what was going on.


We had gotten busy, and hadn't been together for a while, the last time we were all together was Vaneta's wedding. We should have taken a picture. Glenna was the one taking pictures. We were all there, but we just didn't do it.


Everybody thinks I am probably a facebook junkie, and I probably am. I am also on Linked In and I am just as bad about it as I am good with facebook. I go for weeks without checking it, but in May, I happened to have a notice that it was Glenna's work anniversary, so I just sent her a message and told her happy anniversary. She came back with a laugh and said she didn't even realize it was until she saw my text. We both said it had been too long and planned on catching up at Logan's wedding. The day of Logan's wedding, Amy and I were missing Glenna and Vaneta said she was in the hospital that she was having a brain tumor removed the next day and though it was serious, there were no indications that she wouldn't be fine. She died on the 16th of June. To this day it kills me that there is not a single picture of the four of us. Because these three women were such a big part of my life.


I have 4 sets of very close friends, my 3 closest friends from work, my 4 best friends from high school, my LIHEAP sisters, and my band mom friends. Most of the time when the other groups of us get together, it is a big deal, a special occasion, but when us band moms got together, it was just us living our lives.


In the past 30 days, I have gotten to spend time with most of these groups, I did miss Vaneta the day I went with Amy to the EIU band competition ( and didn't take a pictue of the two of us :-( ) but last weekend, I was with the LIHEAP sisters and made it a point. Today, I am seeing 2 of my four best friends and will also make it a point.


 I'm not really sure how "devotionally" this is, but I know God put people in our path and we are to treasure our friends. Proverbs 17:17 says a friend loveth at all times. I have had a couple in particular this summer that I have laid things on them that hasn't been easy and they have offered their input, their advice and it has been very thankfully welcomed.


But going forward, in this age where it seems like people get bashed for too many selfies, I'm begging you, take that picture, don't wait until you lose weight, or your hair looks better. Grab your friends and take that picture.


My mom pulled out a picture not long ago of two of her sisters and a friend of mine's mother-in-law. They are all gone now, but we knew they were connected by that picture.


So, instead of my song at the end. I am posting some of my favorite pictures of my friends and me.

Taken the day we went to visit Glenna in the hospital. Will treasure that day forever.

My LIHEAP sisters

My BFF's

My work BFF's

Living an "All In" Life

Isaiah 46:4

 Even to your old age I will be the same, And even to your graying years I will bear you! I have done it, and I will carry you; And I will bear you and I will deliver you.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know my very favorite Christian artist is Matthew West. I have been listening to his new album and of course, it is wonderful.

I find it so funny that I went most of the summer thinking I should get back to the blog and not really thinking of what I could say, and now that I am back, the flood gates have opened. There is so much I want to say!

This is going to be one of those posts about a song though, or about the message in the song because this one is good, really good. I have not heard the story behind this one but we all know with Matthew West, there is definitely a story.

I also find it funny that I decided last Saturday that it was time for me to get back to really living for Christ. I think I had been on the wrong side of "the edge" and it felt really good to get things right. I have spent a lot of time talking things over with my best friend through all of these things and she made the statement to me this week that she finally sensed I am at peace with things. And I am. I still have things I don't understand, and things I don't like, but it was time to let go of them and know that God is God and I am not.

I had heard All In for a few weeks now, but wasn't really in the mood to take it to heart. Monday morning, I really listened. Most of you know I have a deep, deep love for music and believe that sometimes music can minister where words, and even actions cannot. So, I am driving Monday and this song comes on.

My feet are frozen on this middle ground
The water's warm here but the fire's gone out
I played it safe for so long the passion left
Turns out safe is just another word for regret

I have to admit there are parts of my life that I have definitely not been in the "luke warm" area. I read an article that said you should do something that scares you every day. I have been there for so long I think I would be scared of NOT being scared, if that makes any sense, lol. I do admit I have been going through the motions with some things, and I guess luke warm really would be the perfect descriptor. I have been reading through a chronological Bible this year, and I didn't quit but I have not had the same passion I did early- I think that line, "I played it safe for so long the passion left" hit me right between the eyes.

So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We're all dying to live but we're all scared to death
And this is the part where my head tells my heart
You should turn back around but there's no turning back now

I have been here too many times this week. I have taken some chances,but I spent more time praying over them. I knew my heart was in the right place and prayed that others in my path would know that too. Ironically, I have received confirmation on that, more than once. God is good, All the time. And there will always be times that we want God to hurry up and answer but his answer is to just wait. I am so thrilled that this week wasn't one of them.

I'm going all in
Headfirst into the deep end
I hear You calling
And this time the fear won't win

So, here we are.. The root of this song. How to live.

All In

 Take the leap, and do everything you can, for everyone you can, every day of your life...

and All for the Glory of God.

Have you ever longed to be a certain place, waiting to go on vacation to a favorite spot, or waiting to get home from a long day just so you can put on your pj's and veg out in your favorite chair?

There is nothing else like that feeling here on earth. My favorites float back and forth between sitting on my porch, and taking in a nice long, deep, bath. But when you have looked forward to it all day, it is truly a mixed bag of happiness, and contentment, and well, just blessed.

When you have been at odds with God and you are finally ready to fall in His arms again, it is such an incredible feeling when you can feel them wrap around you. I can hear Him whisper....I'm glad you are home.

I'm so glad I am home.

And of course, here is All In.

Enjoy!

Computers, Complications, and Comebacks

Apparently today is the day.....I'm back to the blog. I have to apologize, I just realized that I didn't even explain my exit on here, so if you were following the blog and not my facebook page, sorry. I was starting to feel like my blog was work, and even more than that, a drudgery; I didn't want to feel that way about something I was doing for the glory of the Lord, so I stepped back. Looking back over the last 6 months, I see now that God wanted me to step away before I said some things I would regret. I have spent several times in the last 6 months somewhat at odds with God. There have been so many things happen that I have just wanted to ask Him why  And deep down, I know the answer. Just because you know the answer doesn't mean you have to like it. So, I am back, I have a feeling you will see my regular Saturday morning posts for at least a while. I have lots built up to talk about and I believe I have worked through my issues so I can hopefully use the events of the summer to be an encouragement to you in your walk.


I had a life-changing experience in June, June 8th, to be exact. I didn't have any clue that night would be so important to me. My boss and I attended a Chamber of Commerce dinner. One of the speakers that night was Mike Miller. He runs a computer company out of Mattoon, and one of these days, the focus of my blog will be on this initial meeting, as well as the events that followed but today I am going to fast forward. The result of this meeting was taking on a major, and I mean MAJOR technology overhaul of our agency. I have worked harder, crazier, and longer hours than I have ever worked in my life, and until this last week, I was seriously just crazy happy. This week, I  lost my sparkle and looking back, I groan at some of the pictures in my head. Thank God for forgiveness. I tried not to show it to the people standing in my office door, but the thoughts that went through my head sometimes weren't nice. I am sorry. Unfortunately, we tend to take these kind of things out on the people we are closest to, they seem to be the most forgiving. I am truly sorry for that too.


Ironically, my very last blog post was talking about something I preach constantly. I would rather have a well rested Christian whose life isn't perfect, than a grumpy, tired Christian because they are not taking the rest the God deemed necessary. We all know God didn't rest on the 7th day of creation because HE needed to, He rested to show us that WE need to.


Let me set up the situation for you. Monday was a Holiday for us, so Tuesday was the first day of the workweek-- I DID work Monday though, and took my final test to become a national certified ROMA Implementer, again, another blog.... So, anyway, Tuesday's plans for the Technology update was to change the hardware out in the Charleston office. Most of these offices, what has been done, I have done myself. Charleston has always been intimidating to me, so I have not spent as much time there. So, my IT guys and I were meeting at 3 that day to start the change over. And because nothing goes as planned, this ended up taking 3.5 hours, including me on the phone with our ISP.


Little object lesson for you.....We had 6 computers, 3 printers, and an Ameren paystation machine that was on this network. If all of those things were brand new, out of the box, they could be set up exactly the way they needed to be for this particular network. We would set the settings, plug everything in, and go on down the road. Unfortunately, all of the computers have had different people sitting in front of them and that gives them different life experiences. When you are dealing with that, things are no longer so cut and dried. Isn't that just like us?  We can ask God to help us plan for our future, and lead us down the path He would have us take, but just because we are turning to Him, doesn't erase the obstacles we have to get around because of things in our past. Thing is, just like the computers, it made things more complicated, but not impossible. And even with the complications, the outcome is going to be so worth it.


Back off the rabbit trail. When we left at 6:30 that night, everything seemed to be working fine. The next day, some weird things happened in the office and by Thursday, there were dire complications, to the tune of the whole office had no internet. It seems to have boiled down to a bad switch but the thing was, it changed the day for everyone on this project. My goal was to get to Martinsville and get equipment put in there. The plan was to get there, do my part and then have one of the guys remote in to walk me through the part I had only done a couple of times and we would be finished. The guy that was going to do that was stuck at Charleston, working on a computer there. So, I did Martinsville by myself. I did not do it the way Mike would have, and we do need to fix a couple things but I had them up and running and that was the most important thing, but I knew it wasn't right. That was when it hit me. We had a lot of problems this week.


I get in moods where I can't see the good for all the bad. Thursday night, I didn't sleep, I was quite literally sick to my stomach, and I was ready to throw in the towel. Yesterday morning, I tried to count 5 things good that happened this week and I couldn't do it. I was there. That place I hate. I cried in the shower and then I cried because I cried. I absolutely DISPISE crying because of failure. Almost as much as I hate failure. I have some sayings printed out in my office, and a couple of sticky notes with sayings on them that haven't made it to the official 8.5 x 11 yet. one of my stickies is a quote from Madeleine Albright, "There is plenty of room in the world for mediocre men, but no room for mediocre women". I was being mediocre to say the least.


One of my saving graces each morning is my daily phone call with my mom. I was telling her my problems yesterday morning and I started telling her a story about something that happened on Thursday. It dawned on me, it was a good thing. I can actually pretty easily name 5 good things that happened this week, including getting to spend time with a dear friend I met though work, and hearing her inspiring speech at a meeting I went to; I DID get Martinsville running by myself- any adjustments that need made, can be made remotely, so I saved myself another trip. There are really lots more.


The moral of the story though is I knew it was time to walk away. After lunch yesterday, I came home. I slept, I watch sappy Hallmark movies, I shopped for a new car (that is going to be my reward to myself when we get this stuff behind us). The main thing is, I rested. and it felt good, and I felt blessed. There were a couple of little things pop up from work, but it felt fine to say I will take care of it Monday. There were texts with friends not related to electronics and I could actually feel the spark coming back, and I knew I had followed God's direction for me. And how ironic is it that my dear friend, Susan posted this blogpost just yesterday, so after reading this, I had a long visit with my Lord. Sometimes, we don't know exactly who God has us blogging for, and sometimes we are blessed enough to find out. Yes, Susan, God used you for me yesterday :-).


So, I have just a couple of verses to leave you with today.


The first reminds us of the importance of rest in our lives:


Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.


He offers it, He built us to need it, and we should listen to this command just as much as we do "Thou shall not kill". Our Lord offers us so much and why are we so hesitant to just accept it graciously and move on?


Then this verse has stumbled through my mind this morning, as I am there, I am on a mountaintop, ready to soar again:


Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.


I have been there for so long, but this week I lost it. I have to think of Peter walking on the water to Jesus. That is exactly what happened to me this week. I took my eyes off of His glory and seen everything I am not. No wonder I was sinking.


 But praise God, He picked me up, dusted me off and even added a little sparkle.




Happy Saturday everyone,




It really is good to be back!


And in my normal fashion, here is a song that goes along.


Danny Gokey's Slow Down is probably my theme song right at the moment.