A few years ago, my mom was asked to speak at a work function of mine. All of my coworkers were there and I knew, because the whole speech was to be about how our Weatherization crew had worked on her house, that some of my childhood would be brought to light. I was not ashamed of the things that happened, but I hated that they happened. I knew my mom, being who she is, would be very real. She was. One particular thing she told about was the fact that in the winter, we absolutely would not turn the heat up in or house, if we were the only ones there, we kept things warm enough to keep pipes from freezing but we just wore more layers--except on Sunday afternoons, Then, we would turn the stove up from the time we got home from church until time to go back to church that evening. It was a treat and we knew it.
I also remember coming home from school in those years after my dad died and my mom had been so sick to seeing her sitting at the kitchen table, paying bills. Our income was solely from survivor benefits and if you don't know how that works, the longer someone works, the more benefits go into that pot. Bluntly, the younger you die, the less your family gets. My dad was 44, just so you get the picture. Mom would be able to pay the bills but then wonder how we would be able to eat. My mom had one "good" arm, as she had multiple surgeries on the other one and when she would go to look for a job, people would tell her they had their quota of handicapped people. At the time, this was one of those things that I couldn't understand why God pulled the rug out from under us. We were a Christian family who loved Him and tried to do His will, and here we were.
I still don't understand why my mom has to have the trials she still does to this day, her life has not been easy, but I do know why I was brought through these things. My job is to try to help make that picture of those who struggle with the same situations less sad. To offer hope, and love, and help so that families can both have their bills paid and not have to worry about food. And contrary to those on the outside looking in, sometimes "get a job" is easier said than done.
That is a big part of my past, a part that I can't say I am proud of, or not proud of, but it is who I am.
As I got a little older, there are other parts of my past that I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am not proud of. I had a time between high school and getting married that I wish wouldn't have happened. I was not a good person a lot of the time, and I am afraid many people who are reading this know it, and lived it first hand. God of course knew it too, Ephesians 2:3 states "Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others." Sadly, I was saved when this time in my life happened, I just wasn't living a life for Him. Bottom line though, God knew this was going to happen too.
I would hate for my whole life to be judged by that time. But facts are facts, and it is part of me. I have also been noticing that people are wanting to change our History books, to cover up the parts of them that are unflattering to the United States, thing is, when you think about doing that, you also have to take away the glory of things changing. The honor of those people who had the courage to want to see change and went after it.
In my own life, there were so many factors that brought me back to God, and I will be one of the first to admit that after everything that happened to my family, I had reevaluated my love for Him and His love for me. I lost my dad, my mom had major issue and spent 3 months in the hospital, I lost 3 uncles (all 3 of my mom's sisters lost their husbands within 3 years and 3 days of my dad dying) and my grandmother who I loved dearly died when I was 18. My dad died when I was 13, so my world from 13 to 18 was a constant turmoil. I am going to throw out there that I had a few teachers who, somehow knew the best way to keep me going was to keep me challenged. So at least I didn't go through the screwed up times until after high school.
When I spend time in Springfield, especially downtown, I always get to thinking about how I got there. I am usually in a pretty nice hotel room, with a great view of the city, and the Capitol, and it seems to be a long way from the room I shared with my sister. I know it was by the Grace of God. It has been a long, bumpy, road, and I have had my doubts and fears, and God puts up with them and calms them and makes me feel so very blessed to have the life, family, friends, and job that I have.
I think what I want everyone to take from this is that our present and our future would be very different if it weren't for our past, good or bad. And something else I want to remind everyone, never judge someone by their past, they can't change it, and to try to deny it would be lying, which is bringing their past right back to the present.
I mentioned Ephesians 2:3 earlier but I want to actually give you a Psalm today. One of my favorites: Psalm 8.
O Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
2 Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
to still the enemy and the avenger.
3 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?
5 Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings[b]
and crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet,
7 all sheep and oxen,
and also the beasts of the field,
8 the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
and crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet,
7 all sheep and oxen,
and also the beasts of the field,
8 the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
9 O Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
I especially am thinking of verse 4, "what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?"
He gave us a past for a reason and He has always given us free will, so though He loves us, we don't have to love him, but (hopefully) we do, even if we have a funny way of showing it sometimes.
Today, I ask that you take a look back on your past and ask yourself how it shaped where you are now. Don't ever try to cover up or hide what has happened because as I stated earlier, to cover up what you don't like is to also cover up the courage you had to change. And if you are where you don't want to be right now, here is the chance to put that in your past. Don't make it your is, make it your was.
I am leaving you with Casting Crown's Who am I. One of my favorites, I have actually sang this at church several times.
Love you all, and know that the one thing I never regret from anything in my past is meeting the people along the way.
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