Back to the Voices

Once again, getting a bit of a late start to the blog, but so worth it. The cold moved my kid home for the week, so this morning started with having coffee and visiting with him. I know he is so ready to go back "home", but I am so thankful that I got a week of him being "home" with me.


This has been one crazy, emotional week. It is one of those that felt like it took forever to get through and at the same time, there was not enough time in the day to get everything done. A lot of our management team is leaving for a conference in Houston on Monday morning, so I basically wanted to have all of this week's work done, plus next week's before I leave. Yes, I am going to work today. It would be there when I get back, but I am one that feels better knowing it is done. And, of course, there is always my mom's thing of "if the plane goes down", at least I have given the next person a little head start instead of all the things left undone.




Some major things happened this week that really brought out those voices in my head that was the original reason I started the blog. First off, last month, I had a tiny little incident with the Humira that I take for my UC. I have taken these injections for almost 2 years and for the first time, I ended up with a bruise bigger than a softball. I also started showing symptoms of a flare within two days after that shot. It wasn't major, but it did send me to the prednisone. I was running out of prednisone so I had to call my doc. I told him what happened and he sent me for some blood test that had to be sent to Mayo's. Two weeks later, they called and told me to go have the blood tests again. Tuesday, they called and took me from 2 injections a month to 4. This was because the Humira isn't working as well as it used to; which sent me into the "I'm back to being one step closer to a colectomy". That rates right up there with my fear of knives as one of the things that scares me most.




When I started working at the Greenup office, I was one of the younger ones there. I had all of these, "moms" aka mentors, who had worked community action for years and years. most of them had 20+ years in before I even started work. Over the past few years, they have started retiring. The last one of my work mom's (who isn't older than me enough to be my mom, but my sister), announced her retirement this week. As I look at the core of our department heads, I am now going to be "one of the older ones". That feels really weird, and really exposed.




So, between these events, and some other little things that happened this week, by Thursday night, the voices in my head were giving me the old, "you are not good enough", "nobody cares", "nobody has time to worry about your problems" Classic. And I know way too many of you know exactly what I am talking about. I truly believe that the Humira itself does something to my mental state, especially the first 36 hours after I take it. That was bad enough twice a month, now it is going to be every week. I texted a friend who takes Humira too, she also takes Cymbalta. I started researching, and found that is a common theme. 




I also started a new Bible Study this week about Women of the Bible. And got hit with a stunning thought. What do you think was going through Eve's mind as God was looking for Adam and her in the garden of Eden?






Genesis 2:22-3:24New King James Version (NKJV)
²² Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
²³ And Adam said:

“This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

²⁵ And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

3 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”

² And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; ³ but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’”
⁴ Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. ⁵ For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
⁶ So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.
⁸ And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.
⁹ Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?”
¹⁰ So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”
¹¹ And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?”
¹² Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”
¹³ And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
¹⁴ So the Lord God said to the serpent:

“Because you have done this,
You are cursed more than all cattle,
And more than every beast of the field;
On your belly you shall go,
And you shall eat dust
All the days of your life.
¹⁵ And I will put enmity
Between you and the woman,
And between your seed and her Seed;
He shall bruise your head,
And you shall bruise His heel.”

¹⁶ To the woman He said:

“I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;
In pain you shall bring forth children;
Your desire shall be for your husband,
And he shall rule over you.”

¹⁷ Then to Adam He said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’:

“Cursed is the ground for your sake;
In toil you shall eat of it
All the days of your life.
¹⁸ Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you,
And you shall eat the herb of the field.
¹⁹ In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread
Till you return to the ground,
For out of it you were taken;
For dust you are,
And to dust you shall return.”

²⁰ And Adam called his wife’s name Eve, because she was the mother of all living.

²¹ Also for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them.
²² Then the Lord God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”— ²³ therefore the Lord God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken. ²⁴ So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life.






Voices in the head---since the beginning of man-- or woman, at least. I know guys get them too, I have been made very aware of that, more so from my son than anyone, but still. I think Eve was feeling very guilty, and afraid, and worried. I looked at this passage again this morning. It took 7 verses in the Bible to get from Eve's creation to her feeling this way. I had also never thought about what it did to her when Cain killed Abel. Truly, nobody had ever heard of such a thing as murder, and here it was, in her own family, and her own sons. Wow.


So, now that we have laid all of this out, just a reminder. God sent Christ to take care of all sin. From Eve's to ours. And He sent a comforter. That's the voice we need to turn the volume up, because I will tell you, it is there. There are days I want to listen to those voices of self-doubt, self-worth, and just plain out self-loathing, but I also know, and hear the voices saying, "that's not true", "you know better", and "you aren't thinking straight". When I chose to listen to those, things get better.


John 14:6 says, "And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you for ever;"


THAT is the voice to listen to. Because God said, You ARE worth it, you are worth the world to me. You are worth dying for. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life, I love you.




I am leaving you this week with God Is, by Holly Starr.




Earlier, I was talking about the voices from Thursday night that nobody cared or had time for my problems. I got a phone call last night from a friend who had very clearly done some research for me, looking for things I could do to help my UC.  My thoughts last week about those people God puts in your life.....yep, that is priceless.






May you have a week of paying more attention to the Comforter, that God sent to us, than the voices of doubt that the devil tries to throw at us.