Choosing Your Hard

 I saw a meme this week on facebook that kinda stopped me in my tracks. It's amazing to me that I am 53 years old and something that I have battled with my entire life can give me an ah-ha moment. This did though and so get ready for an old fashioned, typical Louder than the Voices devotional.

So, yes, all of these are true, but anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled all my life with obesity, so that one is the one that stopped me dead in my tracks. Being fit is hard. Going to the gym, making your body move each day, keeping things flexible, and strong, that isn't easy. My best workout time is 5:00 in the morning. In a perfect world, I would go to the gym at 5 and be there until 6:30, and that is exactly what I did pre-COVID. Now, our gym officially opens at 6 and for me to get to work on time, I have to be out of there at 6:30. Fortunately, a couple of the workers know there are a bunch of us that way and so they are there at 5:30, it is a compromise, but I long for the day, I can be there at 5. My days I go to the gym are always my best days. I start out doing something to keep me healthy. It sets the tone for selfcare the rest of the day. I have been going for well over two years now. Bad thing is, I haven't lost the weight I wanted but I am healthier and I know it. The first few months I was going, I was on enough drugs that kept weight from coming off, I knew I was fighting an uphill battle, but still I went. 

Amazingly as many of you know, those drugs I was told I would be on the rest of my life, I no longer take, at all. The gym is part of the combination of lifestyle changes I made to make that happen. Still, no matter how good it makes me feel, physically and emotionally, I struggle to get myself there. I have realized on these days, I am choosing the hard of obesity over the hard of being fit. 

I guess I never really realized how hard being obese is, but it is. Physically, I hate looking in the mirror, I absolutely love clothes, and I love getting new clothes but I hate looking in the mirror with them on. I hate the fact that a friend of mine talked about going ziplining this week and I can't just decide to go ziplining, I have to see what the weight limits are. I hate the fact that whenever something like COVID hits they tell you it is more likely to affect you worse if you are obese. Being obese is hard, but so many times, I choose it over being fit. 

And then there is the guilt. The Bible points out some things that most of us that seem to have a tendency to beat up on ourselves can take and run with and add unrepentant sinner to the list of things we call ourselves. Anything we do that is not taking care of the temple our souls live in is going against what God planned for us. 1 Corinthians 6:19, KJV: "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?" and Philippians 3:19 - Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things. I read a devotional on this that tried to smooth over this by saying God made us all shapes and sizes, and yes, I know, some of us have more hips than others no matter how little or big we are, but lets face facts, 99% of us was born in a little window of being less than 3lbs apart in size. I will be the first to admit, I wasn't fat until it started becoming my choice of how much I ate, I wasn't fat before I started school and got away from my moms watchful eye. As much as I want to say, "God made me this way", I know it was me that determined my width.

I know some people have a harder time losing and keeping weight off, I know this first hand. Even when I am really trying, the weight doesn't come off as easily as I think it should. I don't know why my body is like this, I know I am not the only one. Andrew can decide he needs to lose 10 lbs and just like that it is gone, I decide to lose 10 and I will lose 3 and over night, gain 2. When I am not concentrating on eating right, I can cause a fiasco and sabotage all my work in a matter of days, which takes me right back to the dread and guilt.

Since the beginning of the year, I have done really well, except for the last month. I have let deadlines at work, stress, and life get in the way of my weight loss goals, and for the first time this week since seeing this meme, I realized I wasn't letting it get in the path of my weight loss goals, I was allowing it to get in the path of being the best me. 

So today it is time for some redirection. I am going to remind myself each morning that being obese is hard, not easy. Yes, grabbing that double quarter pounder and fries is easy when you are in a dead run, but is it really easier than grabbing a salad? Or just a grilled chicken sandwich and forget the fries? The way I feel about me when I go to the gym of a morning makes my day easier, I need to focus on that. 

I need to change the voice in my head that tells me what is easy. It is wrong. 

So, today, as always, I am leaving you with a song. This is one of my favorites even though it is a secular song, you all know I listen to a lot of different genres. Just like everything else, there is good and bad in all areas. I think this song is one of the best inspirational songs out there, and today, I needed it. I don't want you to think I am talking out of both sides of my mouth with this song. Colbie Caillat is singing that you don't have to try so hard to please other people, to make them like you but that the point is, do YOU like YOU? My answer most of the time is no. And the major reason I don't is because of me choosing the wrong hard. That line "when you look into the mirror, do you like you?" That's the one that I need to change.

I need to constantly remind myself that I like me enough to chose the hard that will make me better longer and make that mirror thing easier to do.

Even, Though, It's. Hard.

Wondering About the Whys

 Good morning! I made it! A couple hours later than I planned, but still...The cat was snuggly this morning, so I think he was telling me I needed that extra sleep, lol.

This week has been a good week at our house, my mom hasn't been in the wheelchair since Monday, and is weaning very quickly from her braces for both her arm and leg. I think she is doing great. We start therapy Monday. My father-in-law had a scare last weekend that would have just seemed like too much to handle since we lost my brother-in-law on Easter. Fortunately, from the time he left the little ER in the town they live in  to the time he got to the actual hospital, the diagnosis changed drastically. We had called our church's prayer chain. I have no doubt but what God moved a mountain because his people prayed. I have gotten a lot accomplished and so have the guys, good week in a nutshell. One of those that you just kinda live through and don't really realize how thankful you should be. Robert had a pinched nerve for a few days so he was going through an incredible backache but it came loose in the middle of the night, or better description, God loosened it in the middle of the night.

At the same time that our life was pretty calm for a change, I have friends going through horrific storms. I always feel so helpless when this happens and of course my first question is Why, God? We all know all the answers to this, it rains on the just and the unjust, God's ways are perfect, and we know he sees the bigger picture. Even though we know all these things, it doesn't make it easy and I think most people are like me, and wonder what I am doing wrong that God puts me through this trial.  I have had times this week that one of my friends reach out in distress and I literally hit my knees, begging God to change things. And deep down inside, I know He will. The hard part is, He will do it in His time, not mine. 

And then we have the fact that God sometimes says no and it isn't a "maybe later, grow some more" it is a hard no. There are things in life that I have always wondered how God works out. Have you ever thought about just how complex God's job is? When two people, or maybe more, are praying for the same thing, such as a job offer, more than likely, one person is going to get a yes, and the others no. Being part of a team that hires people, I feel bad when someone calls back, or reaches out multiple times after a job interview. We know they want the job, we know they feel they are the right person for the job; yet, we don't feel they are. You could spend days contemplating the intricacies of God's thoughts. If He thought this person was right for the job, would He work on us as the hiring managers? I think that is yes because I prayfully consider our candidates, but then we have hired people that turn out to not be the right person at all and we have hired people that we wondered if they could really handle the job we gave them and they not only handled it, they knocked it out of the park and moved up in the agency.  

We had a lot of times when I was growing up that we would pray and we would watch God move. There were nights we prayed that my dad would live through the night when we were told he wouldn't, and he did. Same with a friend of mine, we were told if she did live, she would have major brain issues and have to have therapy, and may never be the same and the next day, she was back to her normal self. Tons of prayers went up. But I have also watched a wreck shatter the hopes and dreams of a beautiful boy that had a personality I could only imagine was a lot like my Robert has now. That one of a really good guy, with a great personality. He now spends his life in a wheelchair with a traumatic brain injury, and I have to ask why. And I get told, I'm not God, and He is the only one that really knows why. 

My first hard no was when one of the boys I grew up next to was in the hospital for, if I remember right a gallbladder surgery, it was something very routine and should have been an in and out. We were on our way to the State Fair and got a call that a blood clot had formed and caused him to have a heart attack and they were working on him. We stopped the car and we sat and prayed. We were still sitting there praying when Mom called back and said he was gone. And I, to this day, can't even type this without tears welling and it running though my head, why? Why was it such a hard no? And unlike the job scenario, there were tons of people praying for the same outcome for the same person, we all wanted the same thing, and God said no. I am still a little upset with Him over that, and that is okay. We are human. I know I don't want to be bitter with God about it, but I think it is okay to say I don't understand and I don't like it. At the same time, I do know I have to trust in God. He is good, all the time. I prayed a lot for peace after that. And I found it.

Trust and peace have to go hand in hand, peace is the outcome of trust.  We have to learn this. 

Romans 15:13    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

And there is our answer, one verse, 31 words. May God fill us with joy and peace AS we TRUST in Him. and the output is that we will overflow with hope.  I love this verse and remind myself, the more I trust, the more joy, peace and hope I have, and when you have it, you can pass it on. 

And that, my friend is what we are here for.

 When I was growing up, there was a book always handy at our house, it was called, "Let Go, and Let God". So, so hard to do, but it is the secret to finding that peace. I am always handing things to God and then taking them back. I can just hear him saying, "Seriously? You don't think I can handle this?" and then I hear him saying, "You think you can take care of this better than I can? Really?" So I am learning to put it at the feet of Jesus and leave it there. I remember times in our junior high AWANA class I would sit a bowl of chips in the center of the room and tell them all not to touch it. LEAVE. IT. THERE.

And that, my friend is what we are here for. 

I could go on, but I just got to the point, and will just leave this here for you to ponder. 

This song has been on my mind a lot this week, we are going to sing it tomorrow morning for Worship service. It goes perfectly with what I have been saying.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow the hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Mindy

Hello Strangers!

It's me again, hopefully I am back.  Yes, it has been a long time. I look back at this last year and I am a little disappointed in myself for not taking the time to post. I would think about  it, know what I wanted to say and then just not get it done. I always have this theory that no matter how busy life gets, we take the time for the things we really want to do and yet I didn't write. I miss my Saturday morning coffee and blogging, so here I am. So, I was looking back at where I derailed myself and was trying to figure out what happened. 

Have you ever forgotten who you are? I was hypnotized at a banquet a couple years ago and for the life of me I couldn't tell you my name. A simple word brought it all back pretty quickly and I even remembered not being able to remember my name. As we grow through life, I think it is easy to lose track of who we are. Don't get me wrong, I pretty well love my life, in all its craziness but there are times I need to focus on who I am versus who I want to be. I think we probably all go through this. 

A couple of months ago, our preacher started preaching revival messages, and he basically is still going. The first week he did this, my mom had been in a hospital in Terre Haute, about an hour away from my house for a week. I was trying to make it to see her at least every other day, juggling my jobs, and keeping everything going at work and home. As I was sitting in the pew that morning, I realized that I had let my relationship with Jesus kind of be on autopilot. Pastor Tim had an illustration that shocked all of us so much you could have heard a pin drop. He spit a big drink of water across the front of the church, and he was right, God was probably wanting to do that with me.  I have my habits, and I still had them, I go to the gym at least 5 mornings a week, on my way to the gym, I listen to a daily devotional and have prayer time, so I was thinking, me and God, we're fine. We all have friendships that we take for granted. You just know those friends are going to be there, kinda like you know when you open your drawers, you are gonna find your clothes. Just because we know they are there, doesn't mean we should assume they always will be. Now yes, Jesus, He will always be there but taking that for granted still isn't the best thing for me or anyone else. I know He never moves, but the more I take that relationship or granted, the more I catch myself moving away from Him. I woke up out of my fog that day, looking back at my blog posts, I think I have been in the fog a couple of years.

I know I got busier than ever. I started doing some accounting work for some friends, and then another friend and I started a business together. I still of course, have my career that is my calling at ERBA, and my fun job at TEAM ITS, so when you look at the pieces of the pie, it seems understandable that I let some things like this blog slide. But I started losing that me I want to be. I am one of those people that get things done, give me a deadline and I will make it. This last week I had two major ones at work, both due Friday. One was done Wednesday, the other Thursday, 8:00 Thursday night, but it was done. I am a people pleaser, which the more people you let in that inner circle, the harder people pleasing becomes, I always love a good challenge though. 

So, I have started coming back to the place I belong and it feels really good. Jesus and I are getting that close relationship back, I picture in my head that for the last couple years, we have been at that, "I really had a nice visit on the phone today" friendship to, "hey, that room at my house that is for you, come stay here." and of course, He said, "Gladly". 

Matthew 6:33 (NIV) says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." 

I have known this my entire life, which is why to many people in my life, I wasn't slipping away from Jesus, I was just in my comfort zone, which, I had to laugh as I wrote this, "comfort zone" isn't really my normal spot. Life is an adventure, comfortable can be a little boring to me. Lol. 

So, if you are in that comfort zone this morning, I hope this gives you a little nudge to find your way back to the you that YOU want to be. I know life is smoother when Jesus is in the center of it, not just hanging around. 

On a little tangent from that, people who know me, know music is a major factor in my life. I love many different genres and if I am awake, there is usually some music going on somewhere. We decided recently to start adding a little contemporary music in our worship service. This brought me from listening to it a little each week to listening to it a lot. 

Sorry this is getting long, but I need to back up. I mentioned my mom was in the hospital. She fell on January 29th, outside, in the snow and broke both her right arm and right leg. She is 81. The first thing that the doctors talked about was sending her to a nursing home. That was so not okay with me or her either one. She was in the hospital 23 days and came home to my house. When she first got here, we had a hard time getting her from the bed to the wheelchair. As I am typing this, I am hearing her walking around upstairs with her walker. We have come a long way. When she first came home with me, I was bound and determined it was time for her to stay here. She is content here but I know she misses her house and I have realized in the last few weeks that me being the best daughter I can to her is finding it in me to be secure enough to be happy when she can go back to her house. That's not easy. 

Annyywway, Matthew West wrote a song a little over a year ago called Truth Be Told. I loved it when I heard it but the last month it has been my theme song. It's not that I really feel broken, but I have realized it is tiring trying to be that perfect Christian, or as Matthew West said in an interview about the song, a professional Christian. That part of the song that says, "I say its under control, but its out of control and You know it". THAT is where I have been. I am an awesome faker, and I don't really mean to be, but I have noticed in the last few weeks, that I am. God has a lot to do with me pulling things off that I am not sure how I do, but I do and I know it is His Grace that is doing the work, and I don't want to forget that.

So, this has carried on long enough for one week. I am leaving you, as always, with a song. You probably already know which one. 

Until Next Saturday (hopefully EARLIER next Saturday!)

~Mindy