Choosing Your Hard

 I saw a meme this week on facebook that kinda stopped me in my tracks. It's amazing to me that I am 53 years old and something that I have battled with my entire life can give me an ah-ha moment. This did though and so get ready for an old fashioned, typical Louder than the Voices devotional.

So, yes, all of these are true, but anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled all my life with obesity, so that one is the one that stopped me dead in my tracks. Being fit is hard. Going to the gym, making your body move each day, keeping things flexible, and strong, that isn't easy. My best workout time is 5:00 in the morning. In a perfect world, I would go to the gym at 5 and be there until 6:30, and that is exactly what I did pre-COVID. Now, our gym officially opens at 6 and for me to get to work on time, I have to be out of there at 6:30. Fortunately, a couple of the workers know there are a bunch of us that way and so they are there at 5:30, it is a compromise, but I long for the day, I can be there at 5. My days I go to the gym are always my best days. I start out doing something to keep me healthy. It sets the tone for selfcare the rest of the day. I have been going for well over two years now. Bad thing is, I haven't lost the weight I wanted but I am healthier and I know it. The first few months I was going, I was on enough drugs that kept weight from coming off, I knew I was fighting an uphill battle, but still I went. 

Amazingly as many of you know, those drugs I was told I would be on the rest of my life, I no longer take, at all. The gym is part of the combination of lifestyle changes I made to make that happen. Still, no matter how good it makes me feel, physically and emotionally, I struggle to get myself there. I have realized on these days, I am choosing the hard of obesity over the hard of being fit. 

I guess I never really realized how hard being obese is, but it is. Physically, I hate looking in the mirror, I absolutely love clothes, and I love getting new clothes but I hate looking in the mirror with them on. I hate the fact that a friend of mine talked about going ziplining this week and I can't just decide to go ziplining, I have to see what the weight limits are. I hate the fact that whenever something like COVID hits they tell you it is more likely to affect you worse if you are obese. Being obese is hard, but so many times, I choose it over being fit. 

And then there is the guilt. The Bible points out some things that most of us that seem to have a tendency to beat up on ourselves can take and run with and add unrepentant sinner to the list of things we call ourselves. Anything we do that is not taking care of the temple our souls live in is going against what God planned for us. 1 Corinthians 6:19, KJV: "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?" and Philippians 3:19 - Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things. I read a devotional on this that tried to smooth over this by saying God made us all shapes and sizes, and yes, I know, some of us have more hips than others no matter how little or big we are, but lets face facts, 99% of us was born in a little window of being less than 3lbs apart in size. I will be the first to admit, I wasn't fat until it started becoming my choice of how much I ate, I wasn't fat before I started school and got away from my moms watchful eye. As much as I want to say, "God made me this way", I know it was me that determined my width.

I know some people have a harder time losing and keeping weight off, I know this first hand. Even when I am really trying, the weight doesn't come off as easily as I think it should. I don't know why my body is like this, I know I am not the only one. Andrew can decide he needs to lose 10 lbs and just like that it is gone, I decide to lose 10 and I will lose 3 and over night, gain 2. When I am not concentrating on eating right, I can cause a fiasco and sabotage all my work in a matter of days, which takes me right back to the dread and guilt.

Since the beginning of the year, I have done really well, except for the last month. I have let deadlines at work, stress, and life get in the way of my weight loss goals, and for the first time this week since seeing this meme, I realized I wasn't letting it get in the path of my weight loss goals, I was allowing it to get in the path of being the best me. 

So today it is time for some redirection. I am going to remind myself each morning that being obese is hard, not easy. Yes, grabbing that double quarter pounder and fries is easy when you are in a dead run, but is it really easier than grabbing a salad? Or just a grilled chicken sandwich and forget the fries? The way I feel about me when I go to the gym of a morning makes my day easier, I need to focus on that. 

I need to change the voice in my head that tells me what is easy. It is wrong. 

So, today, as always, I am leaving you with a song. This is one of my favorites even though it is a secular song, you all know I listen to a lot of different genres. Just like everything else, there is good and bad in all areas. I think this song is one of the best inspirational songs out there, and today, I needed it. I don't want you to think I am talking out of both sides of my mouth with this song. Colbie Caillat is singing that you don't have to try so hard to please other people, to make them like you but that the point is, do YOU like YOU? My answer most of the time is no. And the major reason I don't is because of me choosing the wrong hard. That line "when you look into the mirror, do you like you?" That's the one that I need to change.

I need to constantly remind myself that I like me enough to chose the hard that will make me better longer and make that mirror thing easier to do.

Even, Though, It's. Hard.